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Search your mind for the questions
Of the answers that I seek
Close your eyes just imagine
Us together walking down the street
Do you think this is crazy
I don't know that of which I speak
I don't care just as long as you are there
Watching, listening, or swaying to the beat
Tell me why should it matter
Tell me why should I even care
Of the things that could go wrong
Baby I can't hold for long
For you to know that I am there
Tell me why
Hear the words that I'm saying
Hear them echo in your heart
For I know at this moment
I know that I have done my part...done my part
It has been 2 months (exactly) since the last time we saw each other.
What if I start letting go of everything that's been bothering me for the last couple of weeks? Actually, it's months.
No more sadness.
N more tears.
No more worries.
No more sleepless nights.
What if I surrender it all to fate?
Maybe then I'll be happy.
But what if the biggest part of me doesn't want to let go?
Well I guess I'll still be waiting... for you.
So blind was I not to realize that you needed me.
I'm here to try and give you everything 'cause you made me see.
Maybe for your love I would cry and maybe for your love I would die.
Just tell me what to do to prove to you. I'm serious.
'Cause baby time is not on my side. I've learned to love and with you I cry.
Give anything to be with you somehow.
Settle down maybe for your love.
I've lost you once and I vow that I would never lose you again.
And I would never give up again.
'Cause life without you is truly ain't worth living.
I used to hold on to everything I thought defined me—my memories, my friendships, my relationships—so tightly. It took so much energy, I hardly had anything left to invest in other things that matter. It was like trying to fit all these things into one suitcase, packing all of it as tightly as I could then ending up having stuff inevitably spill out because there just isn’t room for anything anymore. It was breaking my heart to leave any of it behind, but I knew some things had to go—or I wouldn’t be able to move on to my next destination.
That was the case for a long time. I’d squeeze everything I thought was important into that suitcase. I managed to pull it off, never mind that the suitcase was suffering plenty of damage—until I found something I just knew I had to make space for. I like to think it was the most perfect pair of shoes.
“Such a metaphor for a lot of things… Usually the best things we encounter are the ones we can’t really have. You can try to find a way, but sometimes there’s not just enough space for it, and there’s just nothing you can afford to give up to fit it in.”
– Marie on the sad fact about not being able to bring home her favorite chocolate, which is only available abroad, because of lack of room in the suitcase.
Then, I realized that I had to JUST LET GO. If I wanted it badly enough, and knew in my heart I needed it, I had to take everything out of the suitcase and make that tough decision of choosing what to leave behind. It was tough, having to rationalize everything first. It was stubbornly holding on to the old shirt I used to love so much but knew I would never wear again because it no longer fit me or because it was, when I think about it, not really me anymore. It took a while—but I did, eventually, let it go. Yup, I took THE risk. Finally, I had enough room for my perfect shoes.
Only, they still weren’t mine.
It’s like wanting a pair of shoes even if it means you’d have $50 left to support you in the next two weeks if you bought them. It’s not something you have to do and, dare I say it, not always the right thing, but you do it anyway. Because you know you’ll never find a pair that fits as comfortably, matches all of your outfits and comes in the color that makes you glow. Because your heart jumped when you saw them. Because you know it will kill you to see those shoes on someone else. Because there is a curiously beautiful pain in doing something just because, even if there’s a huge risk of getting yourself in trouble. Because you know that the trouble you could get yourself into is nothing compared to the agony of not knowing how it is to have those shoes to wear everyday, and because having the most amazing pair of shoes is well worth every cracker you had to subsist on for two weeks. And because you know that even if it isn’t right, it isn’t wrong either—or any less real than if circumstances weren’t as unforgiving.
I was ready for them. They came in my size and were just so beautiful, I had to try them on. They felt right, perfect. Like they were made for me. And I could afford them—it wasn’t easy, of course, but definitely worth it. Then, I was told, they were already reserved for someone else. She had gotten to them way before I did. Suddenly, the shoes weren’t so perfect on me anymore—not because I loved them any less, but because they weren’t mine.
It’s nothing like the usual scenario, though, where everything—the longing, the wishing, the hoping, the sighing—happens from afar. You have to give me credit for having to endure all of these from a distance of about… two feet. The proximity is sheer misery in itself, kind of like how it feels to have a bus an inch away from hitting you. From where I am, I can memorize his face. You can say I’m lucky; I have the best seat in the house. But believe me, I’d rather be so far away than be near enough to touch him. Because I know I can’t.
He was my perfect pair of shoes. The pair that fit so comfortably, I could wear it the entire day and not hurt my feet. The one I knew I’d never tire of because it seems to change along with my mood—probably because it goes well with just about everything I own, or am. The one thing that would cheer me up on my worst days because all it would take was for me to look at it to realize that something in my life was right.
I had taken so many risks. I’ve gotten hurt, frustrated, angry, even. I had lost a lot of things. But looking back, I have no regrets. Because by losing a lot, I found something I’ve been looking for: MYSELF. He helped me find parts of me I’d lost trying to live up to other people’s expectations by showing me that being ME is the only thing I have to do to be appreciated. With him, I could laugh when I want to, cry when I want to, be imperfect , and still be, well, good enough. That’s why he was well worth every risk, every tear. He gave me what I feared I would never get back—that rare contentment in just being myself and not trying to change for others. I owe him for that. For a long time, happiness for me was but a state of mind. He reminded me of the kind of happiness all of us deserves—that unadulterated, genuine feeling that everything’s just right, and not a choice you have to make. Some people will insist that he put my quiet, predictable life in disarray. Some are still thinking that he might have, in fact, messed up my life to some extent. But he didn’t ruin my life. He just showed me how to live it.
Was he a mistake? For a while, I was scared that he could’ve been. I was still too near to look at him and see what he really was, then. But from where I am now, it has never been clearer. He wasn't. It’s ironic, really, how that feeling of absolute certainty can come out of a thousand doubts and unanswered questions. Then again, it’s the only thing I need to know. I hope he knows that, too.
Falling in love with someone is, in essence, not a conscious thing. You can wake up one morning, madly in love with someone, without any inkling how, when, or where your heart decided to beat in his direction. Falling in love is like breathing. You don’t plan to do it, but something in your anatomy dictates that you should. That, plus the fact that consciously trying not to will only make you choke and turn blue. But it doesn’t mean you won’t continue doing it anyway.
I still keep on breathing. Sometimes, it hurts, but it’s great to feel alive. I might be on my way to me next destination, but this time, I’m not traveling with a suitcase bursting at its seams. I still haven’t filled the space I made in the middle of my suitcase. I’d rather wait for something that will fit perfectly in it, because I still believe I made room for a good reason. Maybe, eventually, I can fit in something bigger, or heavier, than the one I had wanted to put in so badly. But right now, it’s a him-shaped space.
I'm not looking for the man of my dreams, but the one who would make me want to wake up to reality every morning because he's part of it. He doesn't have to have everything because he already has that special something--even if I'm the only one who can see it. I'm not looking for the guy everyone thinks is perfect--he just has to be perfect for me.
Woke up at 730 this morning 'cause we're going to attend mass at 9. ! thought 1030 yun start yun pla 9 talaga! Damn, ndi na ko sanay gumising ng maaga! Lagot ao neto pag nagstart yun school. And nasanay pa kong matulog ng past 12. I really have to adjust my bed time na.
I think it was 4 weeks ago since I last attended a mass. Or maybe more than pa. Makasalanan! But nagppray nman ao every morning when I woke up and before I go to sleep kaya ndi masyado mabigat. Hinanapan talaga ng lusot enoh! So medyo mahaba-habang usapan yun nanyare samin ni God kanina. As in andami kong nikwento sakanya. And I know na ndi sya katulad ng blog na kahit anong kausap mo eh ndi ka sasagutin kase I know that when the right time comes, sasagutin nya lahat ng sinabi ko. =)
Ilan weeks nlan magsstart na yun school. Gusto ko na pumasok! Ndi nman sa excited noh, kaya lan kase sobrang ayaw ko na magstay sa bahay ng tita ko doing nothing. Para kaseng walang nanyayare sa buhay ko pag andun lan ao, ahaha! And I'm kinda scared too 'cause everything is new to me. The school, yun system and the people around me. Parang lahat start from scratch. Pero kaya yan, kailangan eh.
I was thinking if I'm going to have a job after sa school. 'Cause the McDonald's near our place is now hiring. Naisip ko kase mas malapit compare sa Union Station. Pag nagwinter kase, for sure mahihirapan ao! Kun wag nalan kaya?! Para makapagconcentrate nalan ao sa studies. Ulol, ahahaha! ;D
Naantok na ko. Tomorrow nlan ulet if there's something interesting happened.
May isa pa pala kong problema... sya. Anak ng...! Dapat maayos na 'to. Dapat maayos nya na 'to dahil sha lan nman ang magulo. Hay...
Damn, I changed my blog template today 'cause the old one looks so dark. Then everytime I check it in Firefox, everything is perfect. But when I check it in Internet Explorer... damn! The stuff that's in the sidebar was not in their proper places! Nakakainis! Ganon din pag naguupload ng pics. Lintek talaga.
I'm still looking for a perfect skin in blogskins.com but we're going home na so I'll try to fix it again tomorrow. Sensha na... g'nite!
sometimes love comes so unexpectedly
like a thief in the night
sometimes we feel its wrong
when the truth is its so right
sometimes we ignore
sometimes we forget
even if we started feeling this
that moment that we met
give my love a chance
please just try and see
because if there's one person who is so in love with you
that person would be me
** Walang koneksyon yun title sa poem aight?!
Yeah, I know it's a lake, but they call it that way, Sauble Beach, so wala na kong magagawa dun. I really had fun while we were there. Lalo na yun first day. Kahit na 3 hours yun travel, okay lan. Dapat we're going to that Amusement Park but it was already close so we went to Tim Hortons nlan. Then nagpunta na dun sa beach! It was so cold, but good thing we brought our jackets with us. We stayed there for 3 days. I wish it was a week! Kaya lan may mga work sila so I think 3 days was enough. My mom and dad did not go with us 'cause may pasok si mom ko. Ayaw nman nya mag leave(?) kse kakastart nya plan dun. So naiwan na rin si daddy. Then my other brother nman, Francis, did not make it too. Kase he was waiting for his sweldo last Thursday, eh late na dumating so naiwan sha nila RJ. Dapat sasabay nlan sha nun Friday but ndi nlan daw. Ayun, nagpakasaya sa Niagara kasama si ____ and his friends! The beach was really far talaga. Parang pag nagpupunta ng Zambales. Buti nlan I have a lot of new cd's para may magawa. And Reggie was so kulet during the whole travel. Sobran daldal sha ng daldal. Walang katapusang kakulitan hanggang makarating kme dun sa house. The beach.
Here are the pictures. 
At the beach. This was our first night there. Actually lahat ng pics na gabi na, ahehe! Ndi ko na maayos eh! 
After swimming. Yeah, it was so damn cold so I have to put the towel around me. 
The boys. RJ, John and Drich. 
The girls. Me, Char, Raichelle, Pam. 
That's me with my sister, peace! 
Reggie and Jacob. They are sooo cute!
That's Jacob wearing helmet for the go cart. 
Bo-bo so cute! 
Jacob in the boat at the Amusement Park. 
And Reggie too. 
Sexy Eggie Girl. Ahaha! Cute! 
The place where we stayed at for three days.
We're a big family so we need 4 vans to fit. =) 
Living Room. 
The Girl's Lounge. But how come Martin was there?! Ahaha, Just kiddin'! 
On the way home, we ate at this burger place. Hehe, I forgot the name! 
At the Amusement Park. 
That's me, my sister and my twin brother. Where's my other brother?! Nasa falls! 
We're going back there next summer. I can't wait!
We're going to this Sauble Beach today. We're gonna stay there for three days. Wow, what a vacation for me 'cause lagi nlan ao dito sa bahay. But atleast I feel much better now kahit na medyo magulo prin yun lahat, wala prin kasiguraduhan kung ano talaga yun manyayare.
Sana pagbalik ko clear na yun mind ko sa lahat ng bagay. Ayoko na kse magisip eh. Sobrang pagod na ko.
Basta I'm just here... waiting.
Ever since the day you went away
And left me lonely and cold
My life just hasn't been the same
Oh baby no
When I looked into your eyes
The moment that I let you go I just broke down
Baby if I ever get the chance to be with you again I would sacrifice
'Cause the feelin' that I feel within no other man
Would ever make me feel so right
It's nice to smile when I get your phone call at night
But I'd rather have you here with me
Right next to me
And I miss the way you hold me tight
I've got to let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much
I've gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
For you I'd cross the world for you
I'd do anything
That's right baby
I'm goin' crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me
I'm in love with you baby
Break it down now I'll tell you what I feel
From the moment that I met you it's been so damn real
My heart seems to skip another beat every time we speak
Can't believe I feel so weak
Tell me that you really need me
And you want me
And you miss me
And you love me
I'm your lady
I'll be around waiting for you
Put it down be the woman for you
I'm falling so deep for you
Crazy over you I'm calling
Callin' out to you
What am I gonna do?
It's true no frontin'
It's you ain't no other
I can no longer go on without you
I'll just break down
When we fail in our relationships, we ask ourselves what went wrong. But there are times when nothing is really wrong. Sometimes love just naturally fades away and this happens to people who are not really meant for each other. I know it is difficult to comprehend why relationships suddenly take unexpected turns. But such things happens. People we treasure go away for a reason. Sometimes we have to stop asking and just accept it. We should stop being bitter, just be thankful for once we had loved and shared our life with the person and made beautiful memories together. The acceptance will give us the courage to move on. Make us realize that when God takes away something from us, He doesn't do it to hurt us. He takes it away because He wants us to have something better.
Went to Centre Island today with my brother John and gagong Vinnie (peace!). Kahit 3 lan, naenjoy pren nmen. Actually... nah! Ndi ko na lan itutuloy! Daming tao, as in! Ndi nman pla mahirap puntahan. Union Station, then street car, then konting walk lan andun na sa ferry. Kaya lan, andami talagang tao. Thank God, the weather was not that bad. I mean, mainit but ndi nman mashado mahumid.Yun day pass. Wala lan, gusto ko lan kunan ng picture. Ahehe! 
Gwapo nman ni John. Ulol, wag ka magfeeling! =) 
Shempre nag rides den. Sayang day pass noh! Yun ibang rides sobrang haba ng pila. Pero the best paren yun scrambler! Woohoo!
Sa train. 
Vinnie sa Scrambler! Saya noh? Lalo na nun katabi mo ko! Ahaha! Kaya lan panget nga yun mga songs. 
Then dun nman sa part ng beach. Need some fresh air kse eh.
Kulet nito. Ano kya yun?! 
What's with the shoes nga nman Marie? 
Bestfriends! Anlaki mo Vinnie! 
Twins. Nice pic! 
As if I'm really gonna jump. Hell no gago! 
So yun, we got bored. Nag stay kme dun sa malaking field with the benches. Dun din kme nageat ng lunch.
Kakain na lan, picture pa! 
Cd players for sale! Ulol! Soundtrip... 
I bought a new soccer ball too. Ewan ko ba kun baket! Nibili ko din si Vinne. Like nya daw kse green. 
After sa Centre Island, we decided to watch movie 'cause it was still early and nobody wants to go home pa tlga. But nun dumating kme sa Paramount, the movies we want to watch already started. So we just ate at this Korean restaurant. Eat all you can man! Busog talaga. Kaya lan you have to cook your own food pa eh before you can eat. Pro ok lan. Sarap nman eh, sobra! 
Kala ko ba nag ddiet ka Vinnie?! 
Nag punta pa kme sa house nila Vinnie after. Chill ulet dun sa may library. Nakauwi na siguro ko mga past 11pm. Kakapagod pro okay lan.
I thought this day will gonna be perfect for me but... *sigh*. When I reached home...
Ngayon ko nlan ulet nakit na ganun ka-red yun eyes ko.
Ahaha, I saw a shooting star while walking papunta sa house ng tita ko! It was my first time too see such thing. I swear, it was not an airplane, it was a shooting star talaga, ahaha! =) And shempre like they always say - "Eh di mag wish ka", sabi ni ate. So I make a wish.
I wish...
And I hope it will come true. ='(
Put away the pictures, put away the memories
I go over and over through my tears
I've held them 'til I'm blind, they kept my hope alive
As if somehow that might keep you here
Won't you believe in a love forevermore
How do you leave it in a drawer
Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone
Guess I'm just learning, learning the art of letting go
Try to say it's over, say the word good bye
But each time it catches in my throat
You're still here with me and I can't set you free
So I hold on to what I wanted most
Maybe someday we'll be friends forevermore
Wish I could open up that door
What can I say, what can I do
But try to make it through the pain
Not one more day without you
Where do I start to live my life alone
I guess I'm learning, I'll be learning
Learning the art of letting go
Random Thoughts:
This is my blog. I can write whatever I want. Well if you don't agree with some things, I really don't care. As what I've said it's mine! So deal with it.
Vinnie: I want to thank you for sharing that moment with me. Sadtrip talaga yun men! I really need someone to talk to that time. Thank you, thank you so much talaga for being that someone to me. See you on Saturday!
Well, my eyes are tired and I'm kinda dizzy 'cause I only slept for 5 fucking hours. I was wide awake until 3 o'clock in the morning waiting for a "promise call". Ahaha, but sad to say there was no call. Damn!
Changes. I knew it! May nagbago nga. And there's a lot!
I felt this sudden coldness last week pa. Parang biglang anlayo nya saken. I can't feel him holding my hand anymore. Nung una i was scared, but now? I can't explain it... I feel so numb. I had enough last night. Or maybe there's more to come. So I have to be prepared.
Here comes the word "summer fling". Strike two ka na saken, gago ka! Well, I really don't want to think na ganun nga lang yun nanyare ngayon. I mean, I have this "something" for him. Ewan ko lan sha. But ganon din yun kay Milko right? You had that "something". But Milko was different, he's a real player. Pero dun parin bumabalik lahat eh, summer fling.
The biggest fear in life is to fall in love with someone who would take you up so high in the clouds and let go of you when you are at your weakest. tsss... fucking quote!
I know this is too early for realization but I've come to realize that he's just a guy... one great maybe, but he's not mine. I don't need to do things to make him love me. Because if he wanted to, he would.
Waiting, it can make you sick pala?! Well siguro sakanya 'cause he's not used to it. But wala syang magagawa. That's the way I wanted it to be. Look, kung sinagot ko sya while the summer school was still going on wala rin time for each other. I knew he's gonna be busy with that fucking summer school. Then if kunwari kami na nga 'tas nanyare 'to, anhirap diba? Well, ndi ko rin alam. Baka may ibang nanyare. Baka nakasama sana ko sa list of priorities nya. Ahaha, I think that's too much (feeling ka nman Marie!). Studies took the no.1 spot! And I understand that, for real.
I guess he's right. Maybe we need more time to know each other. There's no need to rush everything. We're going to do it nice and slow. Ahaha! Kung kame, kame talaga.
I think the word "sige na?" will not work this time. I can't make him stay.
I want you to be happy. I want the best for you. And if you have to leave to find your dreams, I hope that dream comes true. And if the world you find brings you hard times, if someone makes you cry, I'll be there to hold you. I'll be standing by.
Oh I forgot, you know why I keep on asking you if you can come on Aug.6? 'Cause that's the day I'm gonna be your girl. I'm already prepared to take all my chances with you. I'm just waiting for the day when I'm gonna see you again so I can tell you, but I guess it will never happen. Soccer girl no more... *sniff* *sniff*. ='(
Hay, so I need to start all over again. I thought after that summer school everything will be back to normal. We can spend more time with each other. I can be with you, but... *sigh*.
Life is so unfair, right Vinnie?!
I believe
We shouldn't let the moment pass us by
Life's too short
We shouldn't wait for the water to run dry
Think about it
'Cause we only have one shot at destiny
All I'm asking
Could it possibly be you and me?
So if you'd still go, I'll understand
Would you give me something just to hold on to?
And if you'll stay, I'll hold you hand
'Cause I'm truly, madly, crazily in love with you
Time has come
For us to go our seperate ways
God forbid
But my mind is going crazy today
I feel so cold
Feel so numb
I'm having nightmares but I'm awake
Help me Lord
Fight this loneliness
Take this pain away
Now that you're gone, I'm all alone
I'm still hoping that you would come back home
Don't care how long, but I'm willing to wait
'Cause I'm truly,madly,crazily in love with you